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What worries me about these ‘Lads Mags’ you see nowadays, you know, like Nuts or Zoo, is that the kids reading them are going to grow up seriously maladjusted. I mean, I’ve seen the adults who read them, so if they all turn out like that, I’d say there’s pretty much no hope for the human race. But as well as being misogynistic and disgusting and badly written – the whole purpose of them, really, is tits and wounds. Some football and cars, but mostly tits and wounds.

Now, the tits. You can get some seriously disgusting hard core pornography on the internet for free now, so why would you buy these things? Who buys porn any more? Let alone soft core like you get in Nuts or Zoo or Page 3 of The Sun. Why would you pay for that? I don’t know. The idiots who read Nuts and Zoo I guess, yet more proof of their sub-standard intelligence.

Now the other part, the wounds. That’s what youtube’s for. For looking at people hurting themselves, appealing to our sense of Schadenfreude. I don’t get it really, but whatever. Instantly accessible You’ve Been Framed all over the world: Fat kids, kittens, people hurting themselves, and combinations of any of the above. If you want any of that, go on youtube, you’re golden.

Now, on pornography websites, you get the porn. Some of it’s a little weird, but it’s mostly about the porn. On youtube, that’s where people hurt themselves. And never the twain shall meet.

But in Lads Mags, you get a big ol’ pair of titties right opposite a picture of a guy with half a head.

Now, the guys reading this are going to start to mentally connect these two things, they’re going to be intrinsically linked in their brains, they get these associations. Now I don’t know about you, but when I stumble out of a pub in the small hours of the morning, and into a group of rowdy lads looking for a fight, the last thing I want is them to kick my head in whilst brandishing a throbbing erection.

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