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“I heard this lady say ‘I love kids’. That’s nice, a little weird though, it’s like saying
‘I like people, for a little while.’
‘How old are you? 14? Fuck off.’
You can say ‘I like kids’ as a general statement, that’s fine, it’s when you get specific you get into trouble.
‘I love 12 year olds.’

I was on the street and this guy waved to me, and he came over and said
‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’
And I said
‘I am.’

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

If you want to sound like a creep, just add the word ‘ladies’ to then end of things that you say. You could be saying something harmless, too, like
‘Thanks for coming to the show… Ladies.’
‘Help, I’ve fallen into a well and I’m trapped!.. Ladies… Come on ladies, it’s like a jacussi with really high walls.’

I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up. I take like, thirty bottles with notes in them and I throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach, and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles I go up right behind them, because when they open it there’s a note in there that says
‘I’m standing right behind you.’

Last summer I learned the subtle, but important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

I like to stand at ATM machines, and when someone puts in their PIN number I go
‘Got it!’
and then I run away.

The easiest way to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who’s weaker than you.

A mobile home with a flat tyre is a home.

I got a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed. It’s basically just a box I wrote ‘Time Machine’ on.

They call it fishing, but they should call it what it really is: tricking and killing.

Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment. Turn it into an enactment.

It’s very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

They should put cream pies on the front of trains. That way, when they hit someone it’s at least a little bit funny.

Demitri Martin’s short jokes and one liners are mostly based on the assumption of the meaning of a word. He also identifies how the meaning of something can be changed with very little effort, by finding new meanings for words. He also highlights subtle differences between words which can make big differences to their meanings, or words which we have meanings for, but that no one ever considers the basis of.

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